Saturday, July 31, 2010

Family Loss

Do you really think you can get over losing a Parent? I am not sure myself. I am having a very difficult time with this. My Dad died July 3rd, 2010, 4 weeks ago today. It seems a lifetime ago while at the same time so surreal that I can't believe it yet. I don't live close like my Brother, but I was very close to my Dad. My Brother took care of him during this horrible journey. We all thought he would live as long as his Mother, 91, he didn't, he was 72. My Dad was a very healthy person. Turns out he had a brain tumor brewing, that was diagnosed officially in Feb. 2010. It happens to have been the same tumor that senator Ted Kennedy had and died from. It is a nasty thing and my Dad fought long and hard and the tumor won. It's just not fair at all. My Dad was so full of life, always had a positive impact on people and mentored many. I know he is in a better place and with his Mom and Brother, who died last July and My Grandma died July of 2006. Not sure what the "July" thing is all about, but it is kinda freaky. My Brother and cousin, both have birthdays in July and both their Dad's died a year apart. I still feel numb and was trying to make it there before his last breathe, but I didn't. I was in the air when he died. My Brother goes to visit him at the cemetery every morning and night, he said he can't help it and wished he lived further so he didn't do that, it makes him sad. I went once 3 days after he was buried and thought it would help, it really didn't. My Mom really thought she'd go first, her health is not very good at all. Not sure how to keep it going everyday. I felt so lucky to be my age and still have both of my Parents alive and now I am lost. My Dad is who I went to for all kinds of advice and knowledge about so many things. He just had to go and leave all of us to try to help ourselves better and make us stronger. I dont' want to be stronger, I truly get tired of being strong, I need someone to lean on now and then. As the weeks go by I am trying to figure it all out. I just never imagined this feeling. I don't know that time will heal my loss. I think no matter how long it's been, the pain is still there, just suppressed. I am glad that both my boys still live with me for company. I really need to find some things to do besides work. I am so happy to finally have gotten another job again. My Dad was very happy when I got this great job, I just wish like hell that I could have seen him alive one more time. I guess it was not meant for me to.
Take care everyone and don't hold grudges or get mad easily or be too hard on your kids or loved ones, you just never know what will happen from day to day.

Remember: Don't ever forget your memories, they will get you through.

1 comment:

♥ Kathy said...

Oh bless your heart :( I wish I could hug you. I know how you feel. I lost my daddy when he was 56. It's been over 10 years now and it still hurts. Love ya doll ♥