Family Loss

Do you really think you can get over losing a Parent? I am not sure myself. I am having a very difficult time with this. My Dad died July 3rd, 2010, 4 weeks ago today. It seems a lifetime ago while at the same time so surreal that I can't believe it yet. I don't live close like my Brother, but I was very close to my Dad. My Brother took care of him during this horrible journey. We all thought he would live as long as his Mother, 91, he didn't, he was 72. My Dad was a very healthy person. Turns out he had a brain tumor brewing, that was diagnosed officially in Feb. 2010. It happens to have been the same tumor that senator Ted Kennedy had and died from. It is a nasty thing and my Dad fought long and hard and the tumor won. It's just not fair at all. My Dad was so full of life, always had a positive impact on people and mentored many. I know he is in a better place and with his Mom and Brother, who died last July and My Grandma died July of 2006. Not sure what the "July" thing is all about, but it is kinda freaky. My Brother and cousin, both have birthdays in July and both their Dad's died a year apart. I still feel numb and was trying to make it there before his last breathe, but I didn't. I was in the air when he died. My Brother goes to visit him at the cemetery every morning and night, he said he can't help it and wished he lived further so he didn't do that, it makes him sad. I went once 3 days after he was buried and thought it would help, it really didn't. My Mom really thought she'd go first, her health is not very good at all. Not sure how to keep it going everyday. I felt so lucky to be my age and still have both of my Parents alive and now I am lost. My Dad is who I went to for all kinds of advice and knowledge about so many things. He just had to go and leave all of us to try to help ourselves better and make us stronger. I dont' want to be stronger, I truly get tired of being strong, I need someone to lean on now and then. As the weeks go by I am trying to figure it all out. I just never imagined this feeling. I don't know that time will heal my loss. I think no matter how long it's been, the pain is still there, just suppressed. I am glad that both my boys still live with me for company. I really need to find some things to do besides work. I am so happy to finally have gotten another job again. My Dad was very happy when I got this great job, I just wish like hell that I could have seen him alive one more time. I guess it was not meant for me to.
Take care everyone and don't hold grudges or get mad easily or be too hard on your kids or loved ones, you just never know what will happen from day to day.

Remember: Don't ever forget your memories, they will get you through.

Escaping Anxiety

WOW if life isn't tough enough on it's own, the huge oil catastrophe, the NY car bomber and so on and we thought that being unemployed, having no money, health issues, were about as bad as we can get. Not sure why these terrible people continue to want to hurt Americans, the terrorism thing has always been a huge stress event in my household because it is such a scary thing to deal with. It's hard to explain to your kids the same thing and also reassure them that all will be ok. My family not only is dealing with all the world issues as well as me being unemployed again and now, my Dad having a brain tumor, which really hits way too close to home. I have been very fortunate to have not experienced these types of family situations until now. Of course my Parents are in their 70's and I guess this is to be expected. I have many friends whose Parents did not make it this long, so I feel quite blessed. My Brother is handling the brunt of the care with them as my Mom is not that well either, early stages of emphysema and I do not live close to them, I am about 800 miles from them and now having no job makes me feel quite inadequate, like I am not really able to help out. I keep my chin up and try to forge on and pray that I will get a job so that I can get to see my family again during this terribly painful event that has been thrown upon us. Trying to remain stress free and upbeat is difficult. Anxiety runs through my veins and does not allow me adequate rest, while looking for work and going to interviews, it is amazing how I force myself to get up each day to face the same set of circumstances and praying for positive results all the way around.

Remember:  Anxious times make for long days

Reaching out for HELP !!!!

Hello Everyone - It has been a rough past 30 days since I wrote my last post and I am still without work! My previous employer is fighting me on paying unemployment so we are really "drowning" here and I feel so much anxiety that I don't sleep at night. I have even reached out to my Church and have not been successful in getting any response from them, hmmm...I might need to find a better Church family, I thought that is really who you could count on, apparently not. I also ran across some "celeb" news, that Stephen Baldwin, actor and "born again christian", who is in such bad financial crisis has a website, setup by his Church followers to help raise money to "save" him, WHAT.....??? Give me a break !!!! He has so many more resources than any of us regular, hardworking, people do and they expect "us" to give money to his cause when we don't even have enough for ourselves!!!
So with that said I would like to see if there are any of you out there that plan to give money to Stephen Baldwin's cause, if you would give those few dollars to me and my family instead. I have always known that "we" are a giving species and I have given and given for many, many years, and will continue to, to people in need just like I am now and I would like to think that there are people like me that would help me out in my crisis. If you feel generous enough to send me money to help me try to keep my house, my utilities on and gas in my car, I would be forever grateful. I have gotten as much money from my Parents as possible as my Dad has just undergone brain surgery 2 weeks ago today, to remove part of a tumor, called Glioma, and there is still another smaller part to this that he has to find out what the next course of action is going to be next week, so between their help and his massive medical bills now, I cannot expect them to be able to help me anymore and I know my Dad is very worried, which is not good for his brain and I feel bad that I cannot be there to help, anyway, my point is that I am doing everything I can, I have even applied for food stamps, hey, I am not too proud to admit when I am down and need some help. I have always been the "strong" one and I guess now it is my turn to learn to lean on others.
IF you can and would like to help me and my family, please email me for information on how to do that, ANY amount will help and I want to Thank You all now. You will not be forgotten! Email to: rquartz28@netscape.net

Remember: It is better to GIVE than RECEIVE, when you give you will receive *** just don't GIVE to the "famous actor" who lives better than all of us :)

A sign of the times

Hello Friends, it has been awhile since I have been able to blog. I have certainly missed it and all of you. However, today while watching my favorite Sunday morning show, CBS Sunday Morning, it reminded me of the small pleasures in life that have evolved into everyone wants everything "fast, fast" today. This is over a 30 yr span. For instance I remember when letter writing used to be such a great surprise to the receiver. It is always a great feeling to go to the mailbox and find a handwritten letter from a friend or loved one. Today it's all about texting, email and voice mail. Sure these are all great features to our lives, but lack the "personal" touch. My Son Alex is a BIG texter and cannot seem to put down his phone, if he gets a text he has to see it and respond. Kids today need to be taught by the Parents, that cell phones are to be used when needed, oh but I forgot, most adults are constantly on them, just about every car you see, the driver has a cellphone stuck to their ear. I can't stand to see that, they drive horrible and this is the role model, tsk tsk. How many kids out there even know what a "land line" is? Not many. Cell phones came out and allowed us more time to do more things and it was more cost effective to get rid of the "home" phone and just use cell phones. I have gone through that and now have a home phone again, it is tied through my cable, however we get unlimited long distance, so I can call my Parents anytime for FREE, so that trumps the cellphone. These are just 2 timeless memories of the simplicities of life.
If only we could force ourselves to spend more time with our families and less time working 6 or 7 days a week, or talking, texting or emailing how much better a "people" we would be, hmmm........what a concept.
I have managed to squeeze this writing in between the Super Bowl and time with the family. We have had a great weekend and I just had to get this in. Too bad for my Arizona Cardinals.

Remember: Focus on family

Stayin' pumped

Hello Friends- I know it has been over a week since I last wrote. I kind of got caught up doing so many other things. I found myself trying to get depressed and I just don't do that very well. I know so many people that can do it on command. If I don't talk to myself everyday about staying positive or knowing exactly the things I need to do that day then I will tend to fall toward the edge of the canyon. I managed to have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I cooked for 9 people and had a friend and her daughter from our "old" company that was kind to lay us off. So we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and everyone was happy and full. I sure hope all of you enjoyed your special family day too. I would have loved having my Parents and Brother with us, but that just was not in the cards this year. Basically I just really enjoy having people around me, it really helps be the accelerator to a happier life on a day to day basis. Now since I am on a "forced" sabbatical for an undetermined time frame, it is so important for me to try to find as many people to be around. Of course my 16 yr old Son keeps me pretty busy, he had another little tiny run in with the local law on Sunday night, it is just so hard to let them out of your sight for fear of any number of things that can happen. He is really a good kid and is trying to figure life and himself out, so I try to also keep him jazzed about what he can do with his young life. Being his Mom, of course I am a few minutes older than him and really don't know much about life either. At least he keeps me on my toes. So now my thoughts are on the next holiday, getting a tree up and lights outside. It has been so icky, rainy, snowy and brrrrr here that I'd like to just get back in my bed, throw the covers over my head till Spring. Since I can't do that I will just move onto my next task for the day. So stay warm and, like me, try to stay pumped!

Remember: There is life beyond the covers

The "Only" one

Are you ever the "only" one that has to take and pick up your own kid and his/her friends and deliver them to their destination? Well I am and have been now for sometime. It used to be that there were some other Parents that were considerate enough to help out. My Youngest Son is 16 and so close to having his drivers license, which really wouldn't make too much difference because then I will start the "new" worry when he is out on his own. Anyway, now seems that his friends Parents are never ever willing to share this huge responsibility. I have always been know as the "cool" Mom and of course I like that. This title comes with so many extra duties too. Most of these poor kids can either stay at home, have a driving friend pick them up or me pick them up. It has finally gotten to me for the last time. I try real hard to explain to these teens about making plans and communicating about how they are getting where they plan on going and they just don't get it. My Son told me today that we had a "generation gap", I laughed and said that every generation experiences that. We are very close, and now that he is a young adult going on 30 something, we tend to clash a little more about these kids of things. My Son means well and I know that the other kids do to, I am just trying to get them to respect others, like me, and think of others and not just themselves. I feel like I am the Mother to many kids most times. I just wish that the other Parents were willing to shuttle all the kids around like I do. I have had to put my foot down today, because I ran them around last night and today. Then they wanted me to do the same again tonight as their plans changed abruptly, their driver all of a sudden could not take the car out, and his Parents always do this. It is a very sad thing, but I told my Son that they could all stay in at our house tonight or they could all go home, but I was not going to chauffeur again tonight. Most of the time I give in because I know that my Son and his friends have found other ways, not always safe, of getting where they want to go and I would not be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to them because I would not take them. I wish the other Parents would feel that same guilt. At least now I have the weather on my side, since it is a chilling 39 degrees right now, brrrr......so for now they are all in our house chillin' and eating and enjoying each other's company. I know this "kodak" moment won't last long. I am sure I will have to continue to some degree of shuttling the kids around. I just hope I can convince myself to remain calm about it. Soon enough our kids will be grown and gone :)

Remember: Never quit loving your kids, no matter what.

Opportunities

I have never really forced myself to realize just how many great and wonderful opportunities await each and every one of us until now. I have always worked my job took care of my boys and our household and went to bed, got up the next day to do it all over again. There is way more to life than just the day to day routines and we all need to wake up and find them. I was always lead to believe that I should be more cautious and not take risks and that is true for some things but many others I have found that I need to come out of my "comfort" zone and discover all the areas I can benefit from. So this is what I am doing now, full speed head. I lost my job in an industry that I have been in for 25 yrs and struggled most of the time and now I am doing so many different things. I have "come out of my shell" so to speak. I invested in becoming a real estate agent, because I know my vast experience in the mortgage industry will help me and I am sure you could expand on any of your experience to find a great opportunity as well. I am tired of sitting in an office all day. It is time for me to get out there and really find myself, because I lost myself about 7 years ago. I have had a difficult time coming back and I am now strong enough and determined enough to do everything that I can get my hands on. So I know that there are many other people out there that may feel the same as me and may be depressed or unhappy or unmotivated to think that they can not do anything good for themselves and I am here to tell you that YOU CAN! I am here to help you see that and help you find that. If you have any kind of issues that are blocking you from your opportunities, please let me know and I will and can help you figure them out. I feel that all my life's experiences and my career experiences will help many people just like me. So write me and let me help out!

Remember: You can do anything you want and be anything you want only if you try.